There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
