I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize