I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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