So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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