i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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