I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
