I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You were trust falling into bushes
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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