My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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