alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
