were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
