Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
