whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
