he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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