i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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