You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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