A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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