He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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