i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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