i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
