I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Someone came in the potted fern
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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