You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
