listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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