Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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