I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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