what day is it and did you see me today?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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