just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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