STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
