i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
