Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize