Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i've created a new STD.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
