I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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