I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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