he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
