ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This baby is an asshole
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
