I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think I won the penis lottery.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
