MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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