I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
