What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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