you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
