In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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