dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
