I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize