he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize