Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
