I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
