There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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