Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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