Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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