Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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