Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
