Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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