If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
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