you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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