My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
