last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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