Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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