i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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