You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
