I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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