you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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