Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
